TW:  Abuse/violence

“I want to know what she said that provoked him.” 

I’m thinking about that comment today on the day between #InternationalWomensDay and #MothersDay.  I recently watched The Jury show on C4.  It sounded like a fascinating social experiment exploring the pitfalls of jury and justice in modern days. Okay, it was that.  But there was something else it uncovered that was truly, truly alarming.

The case given to this fake, reality TV show jury was one in which a man had killed his wife. [note: the case is a real case; it really happened but the trial they are watching is a re-enactment] The defendant admitted to killing his wife:  the jury was given task to decide if it was murder or manslaughter.  Back in the jury coffee rooms, the culture of misogyny and violence against women is really exposed:  A man on the jury confesses that he used to purposely start arguments with his wife when he couldn’t deal with stress, and throw crockery, including a cup of coffee at her once. When the barristers give the jury background information on the victim, it is revealed that she has children from previous relationships.  Back in the coffee room, victim-blaming and misogynistic comments about her number of sexual partner. 2 female jurors bring up their experiences as victims of intimate partner abuse.

The cynic in me immediately suspects that the TV show has, like all reality TV shows, manipulated the conversations or edited down the comments to be more inflammatory. It is more than probable that the show did look for participants who had certain points of view or life experiences to drive the interactions.

But even the skeptic in me knows that if they did set out with this intention – they wouldn’t have had to look far.  This was a UK show, but let’s just do the stats from Women’s Aid for Ireland:

• 14% of women in Ireland have experienced physical violence by a partner (current or former) since age 15

• 6% of Irish women have experienced sexual violence

•  31% of women have experienced psychological violence

• 12% had experienced stalking/cyber-stalking

• 41% of Irish women know someone who has experienced partner violence

I’m one of the 41%.  Over the last 5 years, I’ve watched one of my best friends be slowly destroyed by her partner.   Her family and I have done everything to support her, to encourage her to walk away.  She is smart, strong, beautiful, fierce.  And my heart is breaking; her mother’s heart is breaking.  Every long delay to one of my “How are you?” texts, I wonder – where is she?  How is she?  We sat on the sidelines, helplessly watching the classic pattern of escalation of abuse during pregnancy.  This year is her first Mother’s Day, and while the first year of motherhood is always challenging, domestic violence should never be a reason.

There are so many reasons women stay with their abusers: financial, fear, or family.  However, it is unimaginably painful to witness those we love experiencing gaslighting and psychological abuse distorting someone’s thoughts until, no matter what anyone else says, that they don’t think that it’s really abuse or that they somehow deserve to be abused.

 “What did she do to provoke him?”

There is simply no answer to that question that ever justifies abuse.