Setting Boundaries

There is a reason that this post is being scheduled to publish on a Sunday***.  Earlier this week, I sat in a group of women who were trying to agree on a curfew for the WhatApp group.  And I said nothing but thought – ok, even if this works for this one group, how many other groups were each of these women part of?  How could anyone hope that all of those groups would respect one curfew in any case?   

The reason this was bothering me is that this is a common conversation that I have with my patients.  They are struggling with problems that often are caused by lack of boundaries.  There is no downtime in the home, no escape from the world.  There is a constant barrage of notifications and messages from  outside.    There are no shortage of solutions and unique situations, but I would like to share a common solution:

Take Control

Many patients immediately respond to me that parent groups are on WhatsApp at all hours.  That their work emails on Sunday nights.  That notifications from friends in Australia ping at 4am.    They continually try to impose curfews on WhatsApp groups – but often have a dozen or more groups on the phone.  They try to talk to work about the culture – but organisations may be large or global or cross times zones.  With apologies to F. Scott Fitzgerald, And so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly….

Here are some common boundaries that I regularly prescribe to patients.  Because they put the patient in control of the things the patients has the most control over — without relying on someone’s cooperation:

• The boundary of your bed:  It is only for sleep and sex.  No work, not homework, not arguments on the family WhatsApp, not checking the next day’s calendar.  Most definitely not for social media scrolling.  The only exception here is an intentional sleep routine activity, such as listening to meditation or music or reading for pleasure.  Note: if using an e-book, set device to flight mode and/or disconnect from WiFi.

• The boundary of the WhatsApp:  Only recommended if you are someone who needs to be reached by phone overnight (otherwise, read more on this below), mute large or particularly active groups for 8 hours.  You can also set it to mute for 1 week if you need a break or are away on holidays. Longer term, you can archive conversations which means new conversations won’t come up as notifications or immediately come to the top of the feed.  Karen might have a great idea about the upcoming bake sale at 1am while you are awary that she couldn’t wait to tell you about, but it doesn’t mean you need to deal with it then.

• The boundary of the work email:  First of all, why is it on your personal phone?  Does it really need to be there?   Is it actually part of your work contract that you are available 27/7/365? Take it off, or at least disable push notifications.  Definitely consider disconnecting it from a personal wearable device.  If it is the work phone, why is it on, in your home, when you aren’t working?   Turn it off.   If you are using one phone for both purposes, get a second phone.

• Use email options to give yourself more flexibilty:  Use options such as scheduling email to send email at a set time/date.  Consider using the signature of your email to politely let people know that “your working hours may not be their working hours” or what time zone you are working in to set expectations.

• The boundary of  notifications: Turn them off.  Do you really need to know all the “breaking news”?  Many websites ask for your permission to send push notifications, and many people agree without consciously reading it, or realising they can disable this later.  Not all “breaking news” is that critical.

• The Boundary of the Phone:  This one is the most important.  You can turn it off.  Just turn it off. Unless you are on-call for emergencies (work or family).  Regardless,  set and enforce a screentime curfew in your home.  Devices should be powered off, and placed in a charging area in a common area in the home.  If you just got anxious at this suggestion, consider whether phone addiction may be a problem.

• Free yourself from the phone:  Do you use it for an alarm clock, and find yourself scrolling when turning it on/off?  Do you use it for a timer and then scroll?  Do you use it for music or streaming?  Constantly checking it for calendar settings, shopping lists, and reminders – and end up scrolling then checking work email and now the WhatsApp group has a new notification then…?  These are all useful applications and have real benefit BUT as crazy as this seems:  consider actually getting a kitchen timer or an alarm clock or a family calendar or white board.  In our home, we’ve also added an Alexa EchoDot.  With the correct (and child-safe!) set up, “she” is very good at being a kitchen timer, calendar, reminders, creating lists and answering quick Google questions without overload of information or use of screens – and helpfully, can also be turned off or disconnected easily.

• Boundaries:  Just Say No. Prioritising yourself, your physical health, your sleep, and your mental health is the reason for boundaries, and central to setting them.  It’s okay to say no to thing that you don’t want to do and don’t have to do.   Your working hours are not someone else’s working hours – so respond on your schedule, not theirs.

How I do it in my own home?

• My own patients have a mobile number to reach me, but they are cautioned it is not for emergency use.  They are hesistant to use it as “they don’t want to bother me.”  What they fail to appreciate is that I have control over whether or not they will bother me:  I control when I check the messages.  I control when it is turned on.  I control who has the number.  It is also not the same number that I have for my friends and family.  I love my patients, but it is still a work phone.

• My work email is set with a signature advising colleagues of my working hours.

• No internet-enabled devices in bedrooms in the home.

• Our home has some old technology:  a kitchen radio, an alarm clock, a white board, a wall calendar as well as new technology, such as Alexa, that means phones are not needed constantly.

• *** Did you know?  You are reading this on a Sunday night – but I didn’t write it then!  Social media managers can set date/time for publishing Blogs and posts on most social media platforms.  I use them for this social media project!