Death of children on a soccer pitch in Golan Heights

Fatal knife attack on children in Southport

A helicopter crash in Co. Westmeath

The news cycle for the last 48 hours has been grim, to say the least.

This post was originally written follow Cresslough tragedy, but unfortunately, it remains relevant. 

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I was racing and distracted this morning, and as we were getting into the car to run over to do the GAA check-in, T. heard part of a radio bulletin before I quickly switched it off.  Later that morning, T:  “What happened that exploded in Donegal?” T. and I had a chat over hot chocolate later that morning. I asked him what he had heard so far (what I heard on the radio and what he heard on the radio may have been understood differently). I told him some basics about the accident, some people had died and more had been hurt. I was honest that we don’t know really what happened yet. emphasized how so many people are helping**.  I ended making sure he understood, as best as I could, that this was a very unusual event and it is not going to happen here.  Children process in their own time, and in their own relevance. He said to me hours later: “Daddy was in Donegal yesterday.  What if it had got him?” (DH was indeed coming home from a business trip in Donegal yesterday.)  Which led to some amazingly existential reflections for a 7 y.o. 

Talking to children about crisis or tragedy is hard.  Unfortunately, our world makes this a regular challenge for parents.  There are evidence-based ways to approach it, based on the work of developmental paediatric doctors and psychologists. Children can react very, very differently depending on developmental age, personality, and life experiences. For more on children with anxiety. 

1. Do not wait for your child to start the discussion. Children may hear things and start to process them or worry without showing any signs.

2. Start by asking what they heard, and give them the space to ask questions first.

3. Its okay to restrict what you tell a very young child, or restrict what you tell a child to what you feel is appropriate for their developmental age.

4. Remember that they may here things at school, etc. – so be prepared to have a chat later this week again.  You can even say that to your child:  “If you hear more about this at school and it upsets you, we can have a chat again.”

5. You may want correct anything that is blatantly incorrect, especially if the misunderstanding of the event is increasing fear or anxiety. If they have under-appreciated the gravity of the crisis, you could make a judgement call that that might be for the best.

6. Be vigilant about the media in your house. Consider what is on the radio, television, or tablets for children. Even very young children may be aware of the news on the kitchen or radio.

7. Consider pre-viewing or selecting media for older children or teens. Avoid graphic or distressing images.

8. Make sure your child knows that they can come to you at any time to discuss a worry. I sometimes prompt T. at bedtime when there has been a lot on his mind:  “Are you worried about anything?”  He used to tell me that he wouldn’t always tell me because he didn’t want to give me his worry. I led him to understand that what was a big worry for him was sometimes something that I could fix.

Whether it’s the most recent crisis, or a more personal tragedy in the family, you may  see signs that your child is having difficulty.  This might include

• Sleep:  New trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, new nightmares or other sleep disturbances.

• Not themselves: More tired than usual (usually due to the sleep), having a headache or stomachache, or generally feeling unwell.

• Changes in behaviour: Change in appetite, “acting out”,  more irritable.  Younger children may become more clingy. Teens may begin or change risky behaviours.

• Mental health: Children may feel  sadness, anxiety or fears.

There are a number of supports available. You can always start by touching base with your GP.  You can also look for supports on mentalhealthireland.ie, including  mymind turn2me.ie and Jigsaw.

** When I was a little girl (100 years ago, according to T.) growing up abroad, there was a fixture on children’s television called Mr. Rogers**.  His advice to help children in times of bad news (target audience early childhood): [ “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” ] Mr. Rogers is the subject of the recent film “A Beautiful Day in the Neighbourhood” with Tom Hanks.