Tantrums!

“My 4.5 year old daughter is really [acting] out, she loses her temper so easily and when she does it usually turns into a huge meltdown, she wont speak or answer us, it’s like she zones out, they end as quick as they start and she turns back into a sweet girl.
we are at the stage where we try to ignore it as it seems to end faster if we do
it’s starting to worry us as we think there might be something else behind it, she is starting school in 2 weeks but seems excited to start, have you any advice? I have been keeping track of the outbursts over the couple of weeks and there is no pattern.”

It’s impossible to know from that little bit there, but I think you’ve probably got it completely right here. Though tantrum behaviour peaks in ages 1-3 (oh, those terrible twos and threenagers!), children up to 5, especially if they are anxious, can have also tantrums. In this case, an upcoming change of school could indeed be making your child anxious.

If you’re really struggling with your child, talk to your GP to get expert help before you completely lose your sanity.

Most experts agree that ignoring a tantrum, for most children, is an effective management strategy. Why doesn’t it seem work? It takes time for the behaviour to change, and tantrums won’t go away completely until your child grows out of them. For problematic tantrum throwers, the parent often gives up on the strategy of ignoring the tantrums before the child gives up on the strategy of trying a bigger tantrum.

When NOT to ignore: Always physically intervene if your child’s safety is at risk or your child is physically aggressive, such as hitting/biting. Zero tolerance here. Move him/her away from the situation for safety, and make it clear to him/her that the behaviour is unacceptable.

Tips for diffusing tantrum bombs?

1. Silly humour. It works, usually. It’s my favourite one for patients’ parents to use in hospital/clinic where sick, cranky children are very scared. Tickles and silly work for releasing the anxiety.
2. Avoid Yes/No. It will always be no! Don’t ask: “Will you put on your socks?” Or, “do you want to put on your socks?” Your toddler only has 3 words, and one of them is “No!”. Give control and avoid No by restructuring requests as child decisions. Try: “It’s time to put on socks. Do you want the green ones or the blue ones?” My trick that always worked for T.: “It’s time to turn off the TV, do you want to push the button yourself?”
3. Substitute and distract, especially for younger toddlers who have gotten hold of something unsafe/inappropriate.
4. There is oft-touted advice to speak quietly to a child during a tantrum so that they have to pause to hear you. If it works for you, great. Many children just aren’t interested in any dialogue during a tantrum. Try it, but don’t feel bad if it doesn’t work.
5. Younger children, especially, may be triggered by being hungry or tired. Best advice is to avoid too hungry or too tired. Sticking to a daily routine can help here. Young children LOVE routine.
6. Young children love routine. If you don’t have one, I’d highly recommend one.
7. Anxiety as well as frustration can be triggers. So can any emotion that your child is having trouble processing. When tantrums has passed, see what you can do to work through feelings. Try simple things, and then if needed, enlist GP for referral for expert help. But often, an verbal child may be able to tell you. But not very well. It may take some listening. Reading a book from library about the feeling may help.** Choose a book, set aside quiet time, read together, and allow child to talk about it. And repeat! There are many childhood books cover common childhood anxieties such as new baby, new school, hospital stays, etc. Other easy options for you to try include role playing with your child, drawing/painting for an older child. If it is frustration, is there a way to remove frustration? Use your mammy gut and take a stab at the cause of the tantrum: “Are you scared of going to new school?” “Are you sad I went back to work?”
8. Catch the positive. “I love it when you help me.” “I’m so happy when you listen so well.” “I’m so proud of you for sharing.” “You did a good job getting dressed.” Again, it won’t be today, it won’t be tomorrow, but the message gets through.
9. It won’t be today or tomorrow, but the message will get through if you emphasise that you don’t like the tantrum behaviour but you still love your child. “You’re a good boy, and I love you, but that tantrums was bold.”
10. Slightly older children? If you are out and witness another child’s tantrum, allow him or her to comment on it or point out how it isn’t very nice, is it? [then give a salute of solidarity out to that mammy. You can’t judge. You know you’ve been there yesterday and you’ll be there tomorrow.]
11. Think how funny it will be later when you tell your husband how your 4 y.o. screamed all the way through the shop because they didn’t have any more trolleys with 2 seats for him to sit next to his baby brother. And even though you know you are doing the right thing carrying on with the shop cheerfully, calmly reminding him every so often that “this is a tantrum. This behaviour is not okay.” as he screeches behind you… you do feel embarrassed. So, yeah, sorry everyone in Supervalu last week. My 4 y.o. T. just had a bad day. Which brings us to the last:
12. Our little ones are just like us. They have bad days. Somedays, it’s all just too much. Growing up is hard work, when you can’t say what you want to say or play like you want to play. If your little one is having one of those can’t cope, won’t cope days…then rethink the plan.

**Examples of books that I’ve borrowed from Meath County Libraries to read with T. over last 2 years:

“Angelina’s Baby Sister” (Angelina Ballerina) by Katharine Holabird (Author), Helen Craig (Illustrator). [includes a scene with an epic tantrum by Angelina]

“The New Small Person” by Lauren Child

“I am Too Absolutely Small for School” by Lauren Child

NÁ GABH AR SCOIL! by Máire Zepf [English version available as well.]

Maisy Goes to Hospital by Lucy Cousins